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Thread: Office Jokes

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    Water is Life 5000 posts, Officially addicted to SCAPE! Zenzu's Avatar
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    Office Jokes

    Anyone have some good office jokes to share?

    Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources Officer asks a young engineer fresh out of the Massachusetts Institute of Technology, "And what starting salary are you looking for?"

    The engineer replies, "In the region of $125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package."

    The interviewer inquires, "Well, what would you say to a package of five weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company car leased every two years, say, a red Corvette?"

    The engineer sits up straight and says, "Wow! Are you kidding?"

    The interviewer replies, "Yeah, but you started it."


    Here's one for Mike @Bongox3

    A lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a sheriff. He thinks he's smarter being a big shot lawyer from New York and has a better education than an sheriff from West Virginia.

    The sheriff asks for license and registration.

    The lawyer asks, "What for?"

    The sheriff responds, "You didn't come to a complete stop at the stop sign."

    The lawyer says, "I slowed down and no one was coming."

    Sherrif says, "You still didn't come to a complete stop. License and registration please," say the sheriff impatiently.

    The lawyer says, "If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I'll give you my license and registration and you can give me the ticket. If not, you let me go and don't give me the ticket."

    The sheriff says, "That sounds fair, please exit your vehicle."

    The lawyer steps out and the sheriff takes out his nightstick and starts beating the lawyer with it.

    The sheriff says, "Do you want me to stop or just slow down?"

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    SCAPE Member SCAPEr PhoKingGood's Avatar
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    Haaaaa both are good..the 2nd is LOL

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    SCAPE Board Member 1000 posts, Semi-Pro SCAPEr Kole85's Avatar
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    Lmfao, I got a couple of good police ones as well.
    While the pope was visiting the USA, he told the driver of his limo that he has the sudden urge to drive. The driver was a good Catholic man, and would not ever dream of questioning the pope's authority. So the pope sat at the wheel, while his driver got in the back.
    They were traveling down the road doing between 70 and 80 mph, when a policeman happened to see them. As he pulled them over, he called in to headquarters reporting a speeding limo, with a VIP inside it.
    The chief asked: "Who is in the limo, the mayor?"
    The policeman told him: "No, someone more important than the mayor."
    Then the chief asked "Is it the governor?"
    The policeman answered: "No, someone more important than the governor."
    The chief finally asked: "Is it the President?"
    The policeman answered: "No, someone even more important than the President."
    This made the chief very angry and he bellowed: "Now who is more important than the President?!"
    The policeman calmly whispered: "I'll put it to you this way chief. I don't know who is this guy, but he has the pope as his chauffeur."


    Sitting on the side of the highway waiting to catch speeding drivers, a State Police Officer sees a car puttering along at 22 MPH. He thinks to himself, “This driver is just as dangerous as a speeder!” So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over. Approaching the car, he notices that there are five old ladies — two in the front seat and three in the back - eyes wide and white as ghosts. The driver, obviously confused, says to him, “Officer, I don’t understand, I was doing exactly the speed limit! What seems to be the problem?”
    “Ma’am,” the officer replies, “You weren’t speeding, but you should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be a danger to other drivers.”
    “Slower than the speed limit?” she asked. No sir, I was doing the speed limit exactly... Twenty-Two miles an hour!” the old woman says a bit proudly. The State Police officer, trying to contain a chuckle explains to her that “22” was the route number, not the speed limit. A bit embarrassed, the woman grinned and thanked the officer for pointing out her error.
    “But before I let you go, Ma’am, I have to ask... Is everyone in this car ok? These women seem awfully shaken and they haven’t muttered a single peep this whole time.” the officer asks.
    “Oh, they’ll be alright in a minute officer. We just got off Route 119.”

    A policeman pulls a man over for speeding and asks him to get out of the car. After looking the man over he says, "Sir, I couldn't help but notice your eyes are bloodshot. Have you been drinking?"
    The man gets really indignant and says, "Officer, I couldn't help but notice your eyes are glazed. Have you been eating doughnuts?"



    Sent from my LGMS550 using Tapatalk
    More Tanks!

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    Water is Life 5000 posts, Officially addicted to SCAPE! Zenzu's Avatar
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    First one is hilarious Kole.

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    SCAPE Member Sr. SCAPEr dealend's Avatar
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    LoL... nice joke.

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    SCAPE Member Sr. SCAPEr angeltre's Avatar
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    Manager goes to the CEO and says one of my employees if exaggerating his achievements.
    CEO says "If he is an Engineer fire him"
    "If he is in Marketing give him a raise"
    Manager says "What if he does not work at all"
    "Promote him to Leadership"

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    SCAPE Member 1000 posts, Semi-Pro SCAPEr Bongox3's Avatar
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    Hahaha great thread!!! I’m still working, so a short one....

    2 peanuts walked into an alley....unfortunately, one was a-salted....


    (Corny but a classic)...

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    SCAPE Board Member 1000 posts, Semi-Pro SCAPEr Kole85's Avatar
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    2 cannibals are eating a clown, one looks at the other and says "Does this taste funny to you?"

    Sent from my LGMS550 using Tapatalk
    More Tanks!

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    SCAPE Member Pro SCAPEr Nick Shades's Avatar
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    All my jokes are terrible one liners. I used to delve into stand up comedy, so nothing I do is much of a riddle:

    The guy who first milked a cow must have been great at parties.

    Everytime a bird drops one on me, I thank God we no longer have to worry about Pegasuses.

    I enjoy deep conversations about shallow topics.

    The only benefit of a blue toilet bowl cleaner is teaching your children basic color theory.

    The closest most men will grt to living a life in a lady's shoes is by wearing a witty t-shirt.

    I wonder if the Cambodian version of Alphabet Soup is higher in calories than the American one.



    The following is a little bit racer than all the rest. It is a joke I wrote a while back.




    I saw my mechanic at Starbuck's the other day and he looked me dead in the eye and said, "2006 Tundra! White with a ding on the fender and a cracked tail light!"

    Shocked, and a little embareased, I told him he had a great memory. "I NEVER forget a face," he said.

    On my way out the front door, I saw my proctologist.

    I poured my coffee over my head and ran.


    ----

    The following applies to us:

    I'm a Botanist now.

    I should have gone to Plant Parenthood earlier.

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    Water is Life 5000 posts, Officially addicted to SCAPE! Zenzu's Avatar
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    Sam walks into his boss’s office. “Sir, I’ll be straight with you, I know the economy isn’t great, but I have over three companies after me, and I would like to respectfully ask for a raise.”
    After a few minutes of haggling, the boss finally agrees to a 5% raise, and Sam happily gets up to leave.
    “By the way”, asks the boss as Sam is getting up, “which three companies are after you?”
    “The electric company, water company, and phone company”, Sam replied.


    A young executive was leaving the office late one evening when he found the CEO standing in front of a shredder with a piece of paper in his hand, looking dumbfounded.
    “Listen,” said the CEO, “this is a very sensitive and important document here, and my assistant has gone for the night. Can you make this thing work for me?”
    “Certainly,” said the young executive. He turned the machine on, inserted the paper, and pressed the start button.
    “Excellent, excellent!” said the CEO, as his paper disappeared inside the machine. “I just need one copy…”


    The VP of Business Development, the CFO, and the President of a company are on their way to lunch when they stumble upon a beat up, but valuable looking brass container.
    The VP picks it up and starts cleaning it with his handkerchief. Suddenly, a genie emerges out of a curtain of purple smoke. The genie is grateful to be set free and offers them each a wish.
    The CFO is wide-eyed and ecstatic. She says, “I want to be living on a beautiful beach in Spain with a sailboat and enough money to make me happy for the rest of my life.”
    Poof! She disappears.
    The VP says, “I want to be happily married to a wealthy supermodel with penthouses in London, Paris, and NYC.”
    Presto! He vanishes.
    “And how about you?” asks the Genie, looking at the President.
    The boss scowls and says, “I want both those idiots back in the office by 2 PM.”

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    Water is Life 5000 posts, Officially addicted to SCAPE! Zenzu's Avatar
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    One liners

    When my boss asked me who is the stupid one, me or him? I told him everyone knows he doesn't hire stupid people.

    The reward for a job well done is more work.

    A dog has an owner. A cat has a staff.

    The Man Who Created Autocorrect Has Died. Resturant In Peace.

    Don't be irreplaceable - if you cannot be replaced, you cannot be promoted.

    My girlfriend said, "You act like a detective too much. I want to split up." "Good idea," I replied. "We can cover more ground that way."

    With the rise of self-driving vehicles, it's only a matter of time before we get a country song where a guy's truck leaves him too.

    There is a new trend in our office; everyone is putting names on their food. I saw it today, while I was eating a sandwich named Kevin.

    To the mathematicians who thought of the idea of zero, thanks for nothing!

    The worst part about working for the department of unemployment is when you get fired you still have to show up the next day.

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    InActive SCAPE Member Jr. SCAPEr ddinox64's Avatar
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    The VP of Business Development, the CFO, and the President of a company are on their way to lunch when they stumble upon a beat up, but valuable looking brass container.
    The VP picks it up and starts cleaning it with his handkerchief. Suddenly, a genie emerges out of a curtain of purple smoke. The genie is grateful to be set free and offers them each a wish.
    The CFO is wide-eyed and ecstatic. She says, “I want to be living on a beautiful beach in Spain with a sailboat and enough money to make me happy for the rest of my life.”
    Poof! She disappears.
    The VP says, “I want to be happily married to a wealthy supermodel with penthouses in London, Paris, and NYC.”
    Presto! He vanishes.
    “And how about you?” asks the Genie, looking at the President.
    The boss scowls and says, “I want both those idiots back in the office by 2 PM.”[/QUOTE]

    I heard this one a little different. It was three guys survive a plane wreck on a deserted island. Find a magic lamp. One guy rubs it and POOF! Out comes the Genie. Three wishes I grant you he says. Not to be selfish the guy says we'll each make one. The first wishes to be home with his family and kids. Your wish is my command, POOF! He's gone. Then second asks the same, your wish is my command, POOF! Gone. The third guy sitting there thinking to himself, hmm I have no family to go back to and don't know what to wish for. Thinking aloud he says, I wish my friends were here to help me with my wish.

    Three guys waiting at a golf course for another trio to show up so they'd be able to play in pairs. Three girls walk up and say, I guess you're who we're with. Things aren't going well and the guys getting frustrated playing with these chicks because they're not so good. At one of the greens one of the girls after missing a putt utters, a lot of good those F-ing lessons did me. One of the guys answers. Should have taken golf lessons.

    A son decides to visit his grandma at her assisted living place. Checks in and goes to her room. Not there, he decides to sit and wait for her. Seeing a can of peanuts on her nightstand he has a couple. Being like chips he can't eat just one and finishes the can. His grandmother returns and he says hello and then proceeds to tell her, grandma, sorry I ate all your peanuts. She replies. It's okay. I already sucked all the chocolate off.

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